Barbara's Poetry

The clouds hung there as if suspended
By God’s invisible hand
And he alone can move them
With a slight command

The beautiful and splendid structure
Of these huge, soft clouds above
Are but one of the many wonders
Of God’s unending love

Dear Grandmother you’re gone
To Heaven, I’m sure
No more suffering and pain
Will you have to endure

Our Blessed Savior up above
Has taken you home
To the arms that you loved

Your home from now on
Will be a far better place
Than the struggle for life
On Earth that you faced

Goodbye for now dear Grandmother
Whom we so loved
And someday we will meet
In your home up above

I wonder why you’ve waited so long to hold me
I wonder why you’ve waited so long to kiss me –
Caress me, to love me

Hold me my love and never let me go
Kiss me my love – hold me, caress me and love me
But never let me go

I wonder why I never felt like this before
I wonder why no other arms have held me like this before
Can it be that I love you more and more – constantly

Hold me my love and never let me go
Kiss me my love – hold me, caress me and love me
But never let me go

Now I know what love is really all about
Now I know our love was meant to be
We will be together through all eternity
Together now and forever more

Hold me my love and never let me go
Kiss me my love – hold me, caress me and love me
But never let me go

What am I searching for
Where shall I go
What direction to be taken
What paths to follow

I lost what I had
Gained more than I know
Strength and persistence
Courage and gall

Alone but not lonely
Separate but not apart
Ideas and ideals
Plans and a future

Will I find what I need
Can anyone be
What I need in the future
To compliment me

You cannot go back
Those roads don’t exist
Forward and onward
A step at a time

Pray for me now
Lost as I am
Guiding me through
This maze and plan

Show me the way
Let me see the light
Let me know there is hope
At the end of this plight

Alone
Within the structured walls of my existence
I wait

Wondering
When will the end complete its cycle
And a new beginning start

Searching
For the core of my existence
My being

Waiting
For the questions to be answered
For life to start anew

My children
Alone, Lonely
Questions of our separation
Always on your mind

I have no answers
Only questions
I have a solution
But painful

Love does not diminish
For you my children
It increases
With our distance

Always you are in my heart
My thoughts go out
To reach you
In the depths of your soul

Be ever open
To my love
Don’t shut me out
But accept me as I am

A sleepless night
A night of hell
Mind churns on
Reality swells

A problem there
Must be solved
Sleep won’t come
Till it’s resolved

Toss and turn
Head throbs on
Morning soon
Light of dawn

Struggled through
No resolution
Only acceptance
Of the solution

Life is like waves
High peaks and calm valleys
We seem to reach a high peak
Only to come crashing down
Then start over again

At times our lives are smooth
Like the water on a windless day
We feel tranquility and peace
And all is well with our world

Then the breezes start blowing
Our lives take a turn
Valleys and peaks
Are our concern.

Where do I go from here
This moment in time
Standing at the door
Of what could be mine.

Where do I travel
Which road to follow
Paths to the right or left
Long roads or narrow.

Point to the direction
Choices to be made
Once one road is taken
The other one will fade.

No road is without
Its problems or sorrow
But the choice is ours
For all our tomorrows.

Silently thru the night they creep
Sentinels of the dark
Looking and searching
But hoping never to be discovered

Their movement is swift
Their aim is sure
Their purpose undetermined
Their use unknown

And yet they exist
All sizes and shapes
Moving about
Hoping to make no mistakes

I look out the window
Standing alone
Watching the world go by
Watching, waiting
For what?
A friend-
A sign-
Peace of mind!
Or acceptance!!
The choice was mine
I made it
And so I stand
Alone,
But with acceptance

Dedicated to Robin from Mom

When I think of you
I smile and tears well up
For what I’ve left behind
For what I helped create

The love I have for you
Has no bounds
We are apart
Though separated by space

But love has no boundaries
And knows no distance
For I carry your love, in my heart
Your smile, in my mind

FOREVER!!

Dedicated to Brian from Mom

Your smile
Your squeeze
Oh, How I miss these

Your clothes
Upon the floor
Now – no more

We are apart
But on the mind
And in the heart

The love that binds
Will always be mine
Till the end of time

My son
My only son
Forever!!

Reflections of a life gone by
An era past
A commitment ended
A love that died

Reflections of what once was
Of all accomplished
Of joy and laughter
Of sorrow and pain

Reflections of memories
Of children and home
Happiness shattered
Separation complete

Reflections
In a mirror
In my soul
In my heart

The sky sheds its rain
As my heart sheds its tears
Both seeking relief
From burden and pressure

After the rain and tears
Comes a bright tomorrow
A day filled with sunshine
Warmth and light

Rain and tears
Refresh us and set us free
Light and sunshine
Give us hope for our tomorrows

Our lives are sometimes filled with rain and tears
Then – With light and sunshine
Followed by hope for our tomorrows
So we can continue forward on our journey

Tears rolling down the face
It isn’t a disgrace to be lonely
But oh how it sometimes hurts
To face everything alone

Trying so hard to get through each day
Alone – And holding your head up
Longing to find that certain someone
To make your life complete

Tired of eating alone
Evenings alone
Just being so all alone
All the time

Sometimes when you’re tired from a long day
Comforting arms would be so welcome
A smile – A hug – A Presence
Just having someone to be there

But you’re alone
With your thoughts
Your needs
Your desires

So you go on
Crying when needed – if needed
Tomorrow will be a new day
Another to get through

The singles game
Who makes the rules
Who sets the pace

Where is it written
How can I find out
How the game is played

Why is it right for some
Wrong for others
A game without winners

A lonely existence for some
A challenge for others
A game without a board

I don’t want to play this game
I don’t belong in this field
But I have no choice

I’m a player by circumstance
Thrown back into the game
Not aware of the rules

I must play the part given
Assigned to me – but by whom
A role to be played out

Until taken out of the game
I’ll continue to play without rules
Hoping it will end soon

Do you know where you are going
Decisions to be made
Choices to ponder
Life hanging in the balance

Happiness – but not quite complete
A piece of the puzzle still missing
Locating it seems difficult
As you don’t know where to look

If you found it
Would you recognize it?
Or would you simply pass it by
Not seeing it for what it is

Longing to be touched – to be held
Afraid of the price this would cost
Wanting again to be a whole – not a half
But no one is quite right

Pieces are still missing
The puzzle still not complete
Longing and feelings put on hold
Till the missing piece can be found

Sometimes life’s roadblocks seem unsurmountable
Taking one step forward and going back two
Struggling to get ahead, only to slip the other way
Not knowing what you want
Unable to find your place
Knowing it must be out there
But not knowing how to find it.

Each day offers a new start
What you make of it is your choice
The path you follow is of your own choosing
But which path?

It would be nice to be a child again
Having someone to care for you
Someone to be aware of your every need
But we grow up - mature
We strive for independence
To become who and what we are
It is our nature - our cycle.

Some of us make it - some of us don’t
Some attain more than others - some nothing at all
Our struggles make us who we are
Develop us - make us human
And we move forward
Because that is our nature.

We cross and tackle those roadblocks
Making the best of any situation
Finding inner resolve to go forward into a new day.
It can be done - people do it every day

Some days are better than others
But each day offers us a new choice
To try again - to go forward
To attain our goals
To find our place.

No one said it would be easy
No one promised a lifetime of good times and smiles
No one offers us anything!

You make your own smiles and good times
You make your choices - right or wrong
You develop your own potential
You can do anything
You just need faith in yourself.

Life - I’m ready for a new day
Let’s see what we can accomplish together

Eyes meeting
Across the room
Minds touching
As one

Hands reaching
Lips meeting
A look
A caress

Days start
Days end
Always
In the heart

I trusted you
Hoping you were the answer
To hopes, desires, dreams

Maybe I was wrong
Expecting too much
Willing to give too soon

But I followed my heart once again
Leaving it open
To be crushed and torn

Is it easier to close everything out
Forgetting how to feel
Or face the possibility of loss

I keep searching for that special someone
But does such a person exist
Or is he in my mind alone

You took advantage of what was offered
The choice was mine alone
The responsibility taken

Will caution reign next time
Will you appear or vanish
Like the breathless air of summer

Is this all there is to be
A brief passage through my life
Like the spark that lights the flame

Will you be like some others
Or turn out different
Or do you exist at all

I no longer know

I’ve hurt you again
Not meaning to
It always seems as if
I hurt the ones I care for

I’ve let you down again
Fears and doubt have settled in
Unsure of myself
Unsure of us

It seems when expectations become too much
I back off and retreat
Not able to handle
A firm relationship

My past has left me fragile
Afraid of commitment
Afraid of giving too much
Afraid of loving again

I try to break the cycle
But I’m stopped before too far
Running has become
A way of life – safe

Part of me wants you
Part is afraid
Keeping me back
A safe distance

I feel torn
Pulled apart
Unsure and questioning
Filled with doubts

I understand your position
I’m not strong enough to end it
It will have to be you
Your decision will be final

I’m not fair – not on line
I’m asking too much
Offering too little
But it’s all that I can for now

Accept me or reject me
For this is how I am
Torn between two people
Not wanting to hurt anyone

Thank you for being there
For me in my time of need
For listening and comforting
For words of love

No matter what happens
To both of us in the future
We had the past
And there was love

As we go our separate ways
As we both grow and develop
Let us both realize we had
Something special along the way

The pain is gone
The feelings have died
To be replaced
With nothing inside

I can remember
All the nights that I cried
The feelings of death
Creeping inside

The wall built up
Never to be shattered
Strong, reinforced
Crushing my love

I picked up my life
I traveled on
I went forward
Into time

Alone for now
By choice, not chance
Not afraid
But confident

Taking chances
Alone
Going forward
Alone

Someday the wall will crumble
Letting someone inside
Opening to another
This love I have to give

No hurry
I’ll wait
Taking my chances
And trusting fate

The dawning of the day
Shines bright and clear
The thoughts of your smile
Bringing you near

Together we go
To start the day
Together – but separate
It ends that way

Come – Join me
Hand in hand
But I cannot give you
A promised land

I offer love and joy
Hope and caring
A love to build on
A foundation

Take all that I offer
And give me your best
And our love will certainly
Take care of the rest

I look in the mirror
And what do I see
A person of value
Can this be me

Lines around the eyes
Older with time
Lovely in a way
Or so some say

A positive attitude
A feeling satisfaction
A smile on the lips
A woman – ME

I love You!
What more can I say
You’re in my thoughts
Both night and day

I love you
This feeling I have
Strengthens my spirit
And makes me glad

The sound of your voice
The touch of your hand
Is it no wonder
I’m yours to command

Confrontation of the issue
Words I dread speaking
Have finally been spoken

Issue faced and finally settled
Stand is taken
Knowing your place

Acceptance hard
But acceptable
Fears of speaking
Now replaced

Continuing on
Road unclear
Direction to follow
Broken ahead

When I think of you
I smile
My heart fills with delight
Happiness is mine

When I feel you near
I am aware
Of the desires you create
Within me

When I touch you
My very being feels alive
My mind reacts
And my body follows

You are to me
The essence of my being
The reason for living
My life – my love

Another sleepless night
Of tossing, turning
Decisions to be made and acted upon

Life has taken another turn
And I must again
Face life alone

My life has made so many changes
Within the past few years
I have struggled and overcome

Burdens at times
Weighing heavy on my soul
Crying for relief

How long must I struggle
Holding my head up high
Coping each day – alone

When will there be someone
Special to me
Wanting me – alone

Someone to lean on
Help carry the burden
To be there in my time of need and doubt

Someone who will not let me down
Who will add to my strength
Who I can count on

Lonely nights envelope me
Wrapping me in their arms
As I again struggle till the breaking dawn

It’s not right
This relationship of ours
It started out wrong
And the wrong cannot be righted

It felt right
Oh so right at the time
I smile remembering
But something went wrong

How can I tell you this
Relate to you how I feel
When I, myself, can’t explain
How or what happened

I’ll see you again
I’ll smile and remember
Dream of what could have been
Glad for what was

But it’s over before getting underway
Over before involvement
Quickly, Quietly
Over!

I loved you
Believe it or not
And I shall always care
As you will always be special to me

What happened to us
I really don't know
As there were too many
Obstacles in the way

It was too soon
After the ending
of a long marriage

The timing was wrong
The wounds too fresh
The fears too strong

Your children set restrictions
I couldn't handle
I felt like I was last in line
For your time

I felt frightened
As if I were being trapped
Back in the cage that I had
Escaped from

The fears were mine
I couldn't handle them
And so I ran
To take time to heal - to regroup

I've healed and gone on
And still you have always been there
In the background of my life
And I know I can depend on you

I've hurt you in the past
Not wanting to
But it happened
Just the same

Through it all we have remained
More than friends
Less than lovers
Somewhere in between

I sometimes wonder
If the timing had been right
If circumstances had been different
Where we would be today

That’s in the past
We shall never know
But I do know this

You are and will be
Always special to me

I look at your picture
And it stares back
Blank and unfeeling

I touch your picture
And it is cold
Not warm like you

Nothing replaces the real you
The you I left behind
Nothing replaces your hugs
Your smile – Your touch

Freedom to be me
Freedom to live my life
Has taken the ones I loved
From me

What price freedom has
People die for it
Hunger for it

Once achieved
Is it worth the price
The loss – The pain

Why must one give up so much
To gain something they never had
The price paid was high
And yet necessary for salvation

So I go on
Like you I struggle and cope
Acknowledge and accept

Feelings are put on paper
To be analyzed
By putting them down
It helps to accept them

Like you I yearn for peace
Remembering the good times
Blanking out the sorrow and pain

Going forward each day
Praying for the answers
Accepting the price
Freedom has cost

And the age old question
Still lingers
FREEDOM
But at what price?

Dreams are for the dreamers
They are as we wish life was
How we wish we were
But reality is how life is
How we are

We must coexist with reality
Allow us our dreams
For we must have these or perish
Blend them with reality
But know the difference

Dreams are having a relationship
And wishing more from it than what it is
Reality is seeing the relationship
For what it actually is

Dreams are trying so hard to make things work
To dream is to see things through rose-colored glasses
Reality is knowing it is not going to work
And knowing no matter how hard you try
It will not alter the outcome

Morning comes - a bright new day
Seeing reality standing in the way
Dreams are shattered - mind unrest
Reality peaked - reached its crest.

Wanting so bad to attain anew
Feeling deserted - feeling blue
Yearning for what can’t be found
Heart crushed solidly to the ground.

No way up - till you’ve come down

Dreams are for romantics
Reality is life

Alone
But not lonely
Apart But now separate

Minds
Connected
Distance
Separates

Thoughts of You
Always on my mind

Looking down upon the world
Above the clouds so high
Realizing how truly small
And minute we are

Hours pass – slowly ticking
Like the hands upon our clocks
Life speeds by – ever moving
Till our lifetime fades to the past

Sleep
Evades me
My mind
Wanders on

Rest
Much needed
But not
Coming

Questions
But no answers
Problems
But no solutions

Tomorrow
Another day
To start
Anew

I wanted you
Really wanted to be with you
You filled my mind
Touched my soul

My mind could sense your touch
How it would feel
My mouth brushing yours
Soft, sensual and demanding

Then you were there
My fantasy at hand
Throwing caution to the wind
I let it happen – naturally

Fantasy turned to reality
Momentary pleasure and delight
An evening to remember
And then you were gone

Will I see you again?
Was I wrong to let it happen
Did my fantasy kill reality?
Or did you have second thoughts?

Time passes and days move on
But dreams are for the dreamers
And reality is to live by
But fantasies sometimes do happen

Your smile
Your touch
They hold me
When we are apart

The longing
The desires
Placed on hold
Until we can be together

Time!!
Where does it go?
When will it be ours?

The wait –
The endless wait –
Patience!!
Patience!!

Until time can be ours
I will settle
For your smile
Your touch
And precious moments with you

Lord,
What are you asking of me now?
Haven’t I bled enough already
Haven’t I suffered enough pain
And yet you ask me to suffer more

Lord,
When is enough – enough
When can I say – STOP!
You have given me no choice
Tears flow and the heart aches

Lord,
You have always been there for me
I seem to ignore you during good times
Lean on you during bad times
Yet you are always present in my mind

Lord,
Help me through this one
Where else can I go for help
There is no one
For I am alone

Oh Lord,
Ease the pain and hurt
I have cried so much already
And the struggle seems so long
The problems seem endless

Oh Lord,
Give me renewed strength
To fight this new battle
The courage to face adversity
To see a light at the end of the tunnel

Lord,
Be with me
Help me
Be my strength once again
Guide my path

Thank you Lord.

God, Here I am again.

It has been a long journey to find peace and yet I now realize it was always within. Sometime the hardest journeys can be the easiest to achieve if we know where to find them.

It's accepting the solution. The paths are ours to choose and usually we instinctively know when we head down the wrong path. We have probably all taken a wrong path for one reason or another, giving one excuse or another.

I came from a very controlling family and being an obedient daughter and/or wife, felt that was the way it was and should be. I allowed others to control me and my actions. By allowing others to control me, by words or actions, I was silently giving my permission to allow this to continue.

It took years to realize how I was being manipulated and what my part played in the situation.

My first breakthrough came in 1985, during my divorce. I had moved from Michigan to Florida and had time to reflect on what my part was in a failed marriage. It would have been easy to place all the blame on my ex-husband. That would have certainly been the easy way out. Blame everything on one person.

I needed to learn who I was. I had a tremendous need to grow as a person. If I was to start life over, I needed to find myself. The journey was sometimes lonely, frustrating, but never dull, never boring. I look back now and it was actually exciting. It is far from finished and I hope the personal growth and excitement of each day never ends.

In any failed endeavor, whether it is a relationship, diet or any part of life, is the part we as individuals play. This can be subconscious, a learned trait, or a conscious effort to undermine whatever you are trying to do or accomplish. Only by examining our actions or reflecting on how we handle different situations, can we receive some insight into the part we play.

I spent many months reflecting on my part in my failed marriage. The hardest part was accepting some of the fault. I had allowed myself to be manipulated and controlled. I had allowed other people to make me feel guilty.

Rumors
Those tongue waggling
Destructive hurtful things
One does to another

Done
Out of jealousy
Out for gain
Recognition

We are all guilty
At one time of another
Does that make it any easier
To accept it
When it’s done to us

Why does one spread hurt
To enhance their own worth?
To be what they are not?
To gain what they cannot achieve?

A human flaw
Within each character
To be dealt with
Openly

Be honest – be open
Express your opinion
But dispense
With hurtful rumors

I wanted to be what you needed
But you wouldn’t allow yourself to need anyone
I hoped to make a difference in your life
To fill the vacant place in your heart
But you couldn’t allow me to fill the void

I thought we were right for each other
We had fun, got along, complimented each other
But one cannot get what the other cannot give

So we are at a standstill, you and I
I have willingly accepted what you can give
Not pushing or asking for more
Knowing eventually it will end altogether
As the distance grows beyond reach

I thank you for all you’ve given me
As it was more than you realized
You got me though some difficult times
Your strength and wisdom were there for me

I have laughed, cried, loved and hoped
And again will face the future alone
I’m stronger, wiser, more independent
My mind is set on an eventual goal

I’ve come a long way in a short span of time
Yet have so far to go
But I know I’ll find what I seek
Obtain the goals set forth

And you – where will you go from here?
What path will you follow?
Alone, independent, self-reliant
Maybe the next one will break through

I wish you happiness, health, prosperity
I cared for you – hoped for so much
I realize for you I’m not the one
But above all – I wish you love

It started out small
Just a joking matter
But misunderstandings grow
And now it looms ahead

Funny, isn’t it
It brought us together
Now it separates us
Causing unnecessary friction

I can’t seem to get a grasp
On the situation
Make clear a road to recovery
And the frustration encountered

I feel as if I’m in a hole
Being enveloped
Swallowed up
Engulfed

I dislike something I loved
How very sad for everyone
But which way is up
What is the answer

Do I quit?
I’m not usually a quitter
That would solve one problem
Create another

I don’t have an answer
But must find one soon
As I am miserable this way and am tiring of the battle

Why do I care for you
You – who has rejected my affections
Why do I stay
Hoping you will change

I wish I had an answer
Could make the break
Tear away from your invisible hold
On my mind and emotions

I need the strength
Courage faced once – must return
Pick up the pieces
Start again and again

Trying to learn from past mistakes
Regain trust and acceptance
But I can care
As I do care for you

My mind/emotions being torn apart
My heart opened and it hurts
Pain of rejection and fear of loss
Starting again

Just as I was beginning to trust again
You violated that trust
Just as I was beginning to believe in you
You shattered that belief

I was ready to give us a definite chance
And now doubt has entered in
I was ready to forsake all others
And now fear has returned

I don’t understand why
You did what you did
I can’t comprehend what was on your mind
I only know of the hurt and pain I felt

We’re back to ground zero
Starting at “GO”
Trying to rebuild
What damage has been done

Can it or will it
Ever be the same?
Can I trust you?
Can I believe in you?

Time will tell for us
If we can pick up the pieces
Start again
And succeed

You took her to bed
And laid her down
Telling her the things she wanted to hear

She told you of needs and desires
Of love – commitment
Forever

You listened and desire overwhelmed you
Your body reacting
Your mind reeling from the pleasure

Love is not a game to be taken lightly
It means trust – truth – honesty
Are you ready for all of these?

The end is near for us
But maybe a beginning for you
For you both

I can’t play the game any longer
I’m getting in over my head
And must escape before going under

But I do wish you luck, happiness
I’m not a loser
For I’ve come out ahead

Love her – be honest with her
You’ve loved her a long time
And I’ll gracefully step aside

I no longer wish to be in the middle
Triangles are for geometry
Not my life

Take her and love her
Go with your heart
For the decision was yours

And this is Goodbye!

I close my eyes
Shutting out sound and sight
To open my mind
To reflection and peace

Concentrating on inner beauty
The stillness of the soul
The tranquility that resides there
Which only can be found deep within

Breathing deeply
Relaxing the body
Breathing out
Releasing the turmoil of being

Reaching deep inside
Finding the place within
That brings relaxation
And spiritual peace

Spirit and being renewed
I’m ready to start another day
Focused and fixed
For whatever that day brings forth

“ They” say dreams are for dreamers
Reality must be faced
The two do not correspond
But each has its special place

“ They” have never walked in my shoes
And “They” could never know my dreams
For I have dreamed reality
Been up, down and in between

I’d dream of the person I’d like to find
To be with the rest of my days
Someone who would love me for me
To count on in every way

I’d wondered a time or two
If I was seeking a dream
Or could reality really exist
Then you appeared on the scene

You were my dream
The one I thought might exist

Standing, silently against the wind
Erect and strong
Telling the tale
Of a life once lived

Rocks, etched with an epitaph
Names, dates and sometimes a verse
For all time
A silent record for all to see

In reverence, pay your respects
For fathers, sons, mothers and daughters
Battles won and battles lost
Pioneers that have blazed the trails

Be ever near me
Fill me with wonderment
The visual glory
Of all that is within sight

Help me to absorb
All there is to feel
The pain, the pleasure
The exhilaration of knowing you

To see, to feel, to touch
To the utmost of my being
To truly realize
The glories around me

Let me transcend
This earthly body
To fly free in the spirit
As my soul moves on

To go where those before me
And I have gone before
To the glory and light
Until it is time to return

Then to begin again
Choosing to move forward
Gaining knowledge
As the cycle repeats

I have been here before
In another shape and form
Viewed life through another's eyes
Felt the pain and pleasures as another

And yet I chose to return again
To try to correct past wrongs
Done to another
So that I can move forward

Your laughter
Your smile
Remain with me
All the while

Your hug
Your squeeze
Oh How I
Cherish these

Your caring
Your love
Just being you
Is enough for me

Your hand
In mine
For now
Forever

I remember the tender moments
Time spent with you
Causing reflections
On how I love you

Caring and sharing
Hand holding hand
Moments together
Too few and yet I try to understand

I will give to you my love
Accept it
For it is all I can give

I will give to you my life
Accept it
For I can give you no more

I ask for your love in return
Your patience while I learn
To enter your world
So we may become one

Time
Like Sand
Shifts
And moves on

Time
An
Enemy
Or
Friend

I feel
Therefore, I hurt
I love
Therefore, I cry

We see things differently
You and I
There is nothing wrong
Or unusual in that

Two people can look at the same object
Each seeing it as perceived
Each seeing differences the other cannot
And each will be correct

Can not two people
Allow the other what they see
Realizing that different concepts
Make up the nature of each

Why must one give up or change
To meet the other’s notions
Differences are necessary
To an individual’s survival

Allow each their opinion
Let them explain these ideas
Allow each their differences
Do not eliminate individuality

The walls have been broken
Shattered when least expected
How could this happen
When you were so careful before

For years you have protected yourself
Letting no one into the interior
Keeping everyone at a distance
Guarding your heart with great care

You wanted someone special
Wanted to be a part of someone’s life
But never wanted the walls to come down
Didn’t want to bare the heart

Protect the heart at all costs
Let no one in to become vulnerable again
The fear of pain still on the mind
The fear of loss still present

Then you met someone
Special beyond imagination
And you had such fun
Laughing, smiling and sharing

Oh, it was so good to feel again
Feelings you thought were lost
Someone you could admire
Feel confident at all costs

What happened to the walls
Where did they go
You thought they were so strong
And they became nothing at all

Without walls there is fear
But you can’t love with walls
They need to be gone before letting someone in
You need to be open to feel fully

Sometimes the realization of these feelings
Frightens you – makes you scared
Walls were safe – secure
Feelings open you to susceptibility

The walls are down and feelings are alive
The sense of his presence is near
Love can grow and flourish
Getting on with life without fear

Happiness is finding you
In a world of ordinary people
Discovering the fun of sharing
Having someone special in your life

Happiness is smiling throughout the day
Thinking of special moments
Shared memories
And thinking about being with you again

Happiness is looking forward
Not for today or tomorrow
But towards a future
Of special times, memories and you

Happiness is what you’ve brought me!

At times I sit
Thinking about the past
The present
And now the future.

I think of all I’ve been through
All that I have learned
And all that I have yet
To become.

I have grown
Changed
Developed
And progressed.

I have gone from a shy child
To an outgoing woman
From an introvert
To an extrovert.

This has not been accomplished
Without its cost and pain
But without challenges
One cannot achieve anything.

I loved and saw it die
Like a sword into reality
Being crushed
As in an avalanche.

I picked up my life
And raced forward
Searching for my lost
And missing dreams.

Sometimes I wondered
Was I searching for a myth
Could someone
Actually become reality.

I met many nice people
But no one seemed quite right
No one could fill
That special need within me.

And then you came into my life
Quietly and unassuming
Like a gentle breeze
And I liked what I saw.

Your friendship was offered
And gladly accepted
Our interests and desires
Matched so well.

The cool breeze against my face
Fresh air and sunshine
And you
These are a few of my favorite things

The newness of the morning
The start of another day
Time to be together
What more is there to say

Peace, contentment and happiness
Knowing I’ve done my best
Knowing I have survived
And passed all the tests

I’ve waited with patience
To find someone just right
Someone to be with me
For the rest of my life

Out of the shadows
Into the light
You entered my life
And it seems so right

If you could only know
The way that I feel
The courage that is mine
The love I have to share

Take my hand and hold it
Place your trust in me
Together we can make it
For now and eternity

If only you were willing
To go that half a mile
I’d meet you there tomorrow
To pave it with a smile

Nothing is impossible
No barrier too tall
If only you have courage
Love could conquer all

I look at you in wonder
At the love growing inside
How much I’ve grown to care
How much you mean to me

It seems like only yesterday
The walls were sturdy and strong
And now they are nothing at all
Decayed into dust – like bones of the past

I want to be with you
To have you hold me tight
Afraid I will wake up
To find you are only a dream

You feel so real
Feel so right
But where do I stand
Within your sight

Can you care for me
As I care for you now
Will your love flourish for me
As mine does for you now

I sense how you feel
For actions speak loud
But words of assurance
Would help me somehow

All I can do
As I’m learning to say
To communicate in words
Instead of other ways

I love you now
It grows by the day
I’ll tell you in words
And show you in ways

How do I tell you
The difference you have made
In my life

The joy you have given me
By being
Just you

How do I tell you
The feelings
Inside

The feelings of peace
Just sharing
Our quiet times

How do I let you know
I have grown to love you
Without meaning to

How I care so much
How serious I take
This relationship of ours

What was once lost
I have again
Found in you

How can I let you know
That I want to be a part
Of your life

Not just for today
But for tomorrow
And beyond

How do I put into words
The feelings I write
Without the fear of rejection

Can I tell you
How I feel
Do you want to hear

It all sounds so simple
But is it – To tell you
I love you

Departure
Tugs at my very soul
My being disrupted
My mind confused

Involved
How did this happen
What started out as fun
Is now taken serious

Going back to my home
But where is home
Where the heart is
Then it’s no longer home

You’re on my mind
Never far from my thoughts
Longing assails me
Until I’m back again with you

Thoughts of you
Bring a smile to my face
Senseless grins of delight
Joy to my soul

Where will it lead
Time will be the answer

You came into my life
Like the whisper of the wind
Blowing gently into my mind

The recognition was felt
Within the being of my existence
A course to be followed to its end

Will you pass through
Like others have
Or stay to complete the cycle

Will you take what is offered
Giving what you can
Or take – giving nothing in return

Will your motives be honest and sincere
Or shrouded with secrets
Remaining a mystery to me

Will you bend or stand ungiving
Yield to the moment
Give – Take – Accept

The moment’s at hand
Your move is next
Or the cycle will be forever broken

I wonder if you know
The happiness you’ve brought into my life
The completeness I feel with you
The contentment and peace that I have found

I wonder if you know
The fun I have with you
When we are busy or just enjoying
Our quiet times together

I wonder if you know
How much I enjoy our togetherness
Holding your hand, being hugged
Or just cuddling close

And I wonder if you know
Just how much I have grown to love you
Just as you are
All that you are

I just wondered
If you knew
I love you!

I can give to you all I have to give
Accept it - as it is all that I can offer
I can bend - like a willow
But if bent too far - I could snap
Like a fragile twig
I can be no more than what I am
For I am no more.

I can accept you as you are
No more - no less
This I do willingly - but in return
You also must bend like a willow
For if unwilling to bend
Nothing can be gained.

I can offer unboundless love
Comfort, companionship
Someone to stand by you in good times and bad
But in return - I also must have the same
For I shall settle for no less.

I cannot be a possession
For I once was that
I need space - no walls
But honesty and truth
And this is offered in return.

As we reflect the waves of life
Accepting the constant change
Remember that peace and tranquility
Will follow the ripple of waves.

I said goodbye again today
Seems like I'm always saying goodbye
Goodbyes are not so bad
As long as I know a hello will follow.

Each time I say goodbye
I leave a little of me behind
A part wanting to stay
To be with you when you are there.

To care for you
Gives to my life meaning
It feels good
To care for someone again.

The past is gone
The future is ahead.

Reflections
Of the past, of the present, of the future
Reflections
Of what was, what is, and what is to be

Reflections
Of the joy and pain
Growth and struggle
Hopes and dreams

Reflections
Of the mirrored soul.

Reflections in the water
Mirrored souls upon the seas
Tranquility of the ripples
As life was meant to be

Letting go of the past
Grasping the present
Waiting for the future

Becoming all there is
Growing by trial and error
Pleased with what has been done

So far to go
But ready to go on
Wanting to put down roots

To again be a part
To belong
To have someone permanent in my life

Alone has given me time
To heal - To mend
To be me

I have done all of these
And I'm ready to get on
With the next stage of my life

A speck in the wind
Fell to the earth
Awaiting its turn
For future rebirth

It was only a speck
And all it ever knew
Was imprinted within
Memories of the past, hopefully some new

The choice was made
Challenges to come
Willing to give it all
To join and become one

Another life, another choice
Bring us closer to spiritual growth
Pasts forgotten, building anew
That speck in the wind is you

Sleep envelopes me
Like a shadow crossing over
The peaceful rest of sleep
That comes when all is well with your world

Warmth, comfort, security
Knowing that you’re near by
The peace you have brought to me
Makes this relaxation possible

So I can sleep
Knowing I will be safe and secure
That when I wake up
I will be rested and peace will remain

Alone
Tears rolling down my cheeks
Nose stuffed
Heart aching

Oh God, why do you keep doing this to me
How long must I cope alone
Why do you place these pressures
On my mind and soul

I try so hard to be brave
To accept all you place on me
To go on alone
To survive

But at times relief comes in tears
No one is there for me
No one to help relieve the burden
No one – but you

I struggle on
Keeping my head up high
Knowing I am powerless
To change your course

But I hurt, Lord
I hurt so bad
Tears bring
Only temporary relief

I, of course, can go on
For you have made me a survivor
The hurt will eventually leave
Bringing new hope for tomorrow

But for now I hurt
I am helpless and I hurt
And I can’t breathe
I can’t sleep

All I seem to do is cry
Out of frustration
Out of anxiety
Out of pain

And I cry alone
With no one for comfort
With no one for me
I cry alone, Lord, I cry alone

Bring me needed comfort
Bring me relief from hurt
At least get me through
This long, lonely night

Bring me out of this darkness
Into the light
Let me know all will be well
Within your sight

My Son, Oh my Son
How I love you
With all that I have
To love with

My eyes cry for you
My heart bleeds
The ache is so strong
And I am powerless to help you

The path you have chosen
Is so far wrong
So out of the way
And yet it was your choice

We are all powerless
To change you
For only you
Have that power

You have chosen to strike out
To inflict pain on those that love you
And we don’t understand
But you’re loved deeply

We try to comprehend
What goes through your mind
For you have intelligence
But fail to utilize it

All those that love you
And there are so many
Are concerned for your well being
Want only your happiness

The poison you place in your body
The cells you destroy
The pain you inflict
On yourself and others is so real

Come to your senses
Take a hold of your life
Don’t sink down further
Into the darkness

Ask for our help
We’ll stand behind you
Reach for our love
It’s always been there

You are so loved
I cry for your soul
Hurt as a parent
Bleed from the heart

The past is gone
Replaced with a future
Today starts anew
It can be yours – just reach out

A parent’s love is deep
It knows no bounds
Though you inflict pain on them
The love does not falter

Take our hand
We’ll help you
Anyway we can
Just reach out

Life is what we make it
We all have good days and bad
We learn to cope
To go on without “substances”

Leave the past behind
Bury it with your “so-called friends”
Determine to make life valuable
Rise up – you can do it

Remember
One thing
Only one
You are Loved!

The warmth of your love
Wraps me in a blanket of protection
Surrounded by your arms
To ward off the evils of the world

Cradled in your arms
Against the beating of your heart
I feel secure in your love
And each day is a new start

Walking side by side
Us against the world
Taking our stand
United as one

Walk with me a lifetime
Steady by my side
A partner forever
We'll travel far and wide

And when the time does come
That death takes us apart
Remember I will find you
Another lifetime to start

The years have been good for me
I have grown, developed and changed
I am no longer a part of the past
But a person with a future

I have been through so much
I have been down to the bottom
And up on top of the world
Settling somewhere in the middle

I have laughed and cried
Struggled and persevered
Amazed myself at all I’ve done
Accomplished more than expected

I have discovered a person underneath
A hidden valuable person
One I am proud of
One who has survived and always will

How do I tell you
The difference you have made
In my life

The joy you have given me
By being
Just you

How do I tell you
The feelings
Inside

The feelings of peace
Just sharing
Our quiet times

How do I let you know
I have grown to love you
Without meaning to

How I care so much
How serious I take
This relationship of ours

What was once lost
I have again
Found in you

How can I let you know
That I want to be a part
Of your life

Not just for today
But for tomorrow
And beyond

How do I put into words
The feelings I write
Without the fear of rejection

Can I tell you
How I feel
Do you want to hear?

It all sounds so simple
But is it - To tell you
I love you!

Game playing
Seems like adults do this
With relationships

One player doesn’t tell the other
Just where they stand
Leaving the other to wonder and doubt

One is open and honest
One secretive and quiet
One waiting for the other’s move

I’m tired of the game
I would prefer honesty
I can handle the truth

Let me know how you feel
Let me know where I stand
Where is this relationship going

If one cannot feel as the other
And there is no hope for growth
Is it not better to speak up

If there are feelings
Why not say something
So the other is not left in the dark

Games are for children
I am no longer a child
And I don’t want to play these games!

I sit here pondering
This relationship of ours
Missing you
Wishing you were with me

I think about you
And realize just how much I care
How you’ve grown to mean
So much to me

But I hurt also
Realizing you may not care for me
As I care for you

I hurt out of fear
The fear of rejection
The fear of loss

I have opened up to you
Allowed the walls to crumble
Allowed you into my innermost feelings

I feel so vulnerable
So totally naked
For I have revealed so much
Of my self to you

Am I seeking something
That is not attainable
Am I dreaming
And afraid of waking up

I don’t want to push
But I need to know
I need to feel that I make a difference
That you want me as part of your life

Can you feel as I do
Or do I back off
Departing quietly into the past

Do you want a future with me
Or is this not a consideration
Are our futures to draw closer
Or drift apart

What do you want from me?
Where do I fit
Or are there no thoughts of a future
Planned for us

Why do I struggle
When I have no control
Over how you do or do not feel

I only know how I feel about you
How I hope it will be
But I cannot speak for you
Only you can do that

Flying through the clouds
Like wisps of cotton candy
Obstructing all views
For their paths

Blindly going forth
Into the night
Pushing onward and upward
With a specific path in sight

It was good to see you both again
Many years and many tears
Have passed before this time

I never stopped loving you
As you both were such a part of my life
And I never shall

Things sometimes don’t work out
As we plan our lives
And we never know which roads will be taken

I wish you love and peace
A gratitude for all there was
A hope for what will be

1963
God looked down
And blessed them
Hopes were high
Love was splendid

1964
A home was built
Plans of a life together
Cemented in brick
All was well with the world

1965
A daughter was born
Wanted and desired
Loved so much
A family was created

1968
Blessed again
A son added to a daughter
Cycle completed
A typical family in all the senses

1985
Separation
A mother departs
Leaving a life behind
Hopes, dreams, existence shattered

How did this happen
What went wrong
Could it have been corrected
Before the inevitable end

1986
Father remarries
Children confused
Emotions strong and unyielding
Two worlds in an uproar

1989
Four years have gone by
Bridges have been mended
Hearts are being repaired
The world has gone on

We are all players
In the game of life
Not knowing from one day to the next
What will happen

We all struggle and go on
Making choices which seem right
Deciding which way to turn
With no insight

We laugh, we cry
We stumble onward
We trip, we fall
And recover

Most of all we learn that love
Offers no promises of happiness
But to have loved so completely
Is better than never loving at all

Departure
Leaving again
Doesn’t get any easier
With time

I feel so proud
As you have blossomed
Into a beautiful woman
One that I admire

We have both come so far
Changed and grown
And the relationship of ours
Is beautiful

Always know
Always realize
That my love for you
Will never diminish

I will always be here for you
Always willing to listen
Always willing to hear
What is on your mind and in your heart

I cannot be close to you in distance
But in spirit I shall never be far
You are my blood, a portion of myself
And I love you.

If I reach out for you
Will I touch you
Or are you too distant
For me

If I speak out
To reach you with my voice
Will you hear me
Or ignore me

If I cry
Tears of hurt or joy
Will you be there to offer
Comfort and consolation

If I fall down
As I have in the past
Will you help me up
Or must I get up alone

If I offer you my hand
Will you grasp it
Reaching out with acceptance
Or drop yours to your side

If I love you
Giving you my heart
Giving you all there is
Will it be enough

If – it’s such a small word
If – leaves openings like doors
If only I knew the answers
IF!!

I feel your silence
Suffocating me
Like a stone-faced effigy
Silent and hard

You tell me I should feel
Vibrations between us
Words unnecessary
Like a silent blank screen

But I need the knowledge
That the words exist
Within your soul
Within your being

If I need to force them out
I have gained nothing
Nothing but words
With no feelings behind them

So I am in limbo
Between nothing and silence
And it gnaws
Like an open wound

For I am a person of words
I wish to speak them
I wish to hear them
For I am not deaf nor mute

Who do I say my words to?
Will the sun or moon
Acknowledge my thoughts
My feelings?

Do I say them to you?
Will they fall on deaf ears
Will they be shoved aside
Will it matter?

And what of these words
Why spill out my heart
Only to have it ignored
Or shoved under a table

Words – only words
But they seem important to me
I need to feel them
Need to hear them

They are only words
I can’t live without them
Maybe you can
But I need words

I sit here thinking
With pen in hand
Waiting for thoughts and words
To flow on command

Wondering about you
Thinking about me
Us together
The way it should be

I think of flowers and sun
Laughter and life
Being a homemaker
Being your wife

Surrounded by happiness
The little things in life
A man, a woman
Husband and wife

Mountains and trees
Birds and such
Fish in a stream
Cattails and rush

Watching the sunset
As night comes on
You close besides me
Hand upon hand

Closeness and touching
Our breaths into one
Binding our love
Under the setting sun

I awake with a start
I was dreaming again
Wandering thoughts
Misplaced – out of hand

Dreams of a romantic
With love on her mind
But reality comes
Around in time

Put dreams on hold
They have no place in your life
Forget about being
Someone’s wife

You are what you are
All that there is
But it’s not enough
And you’ll never be his

You’re a romantic – with dreams
With love in your heart
Stumbling along
Playing the part

You hope and you pray
You stop and you start
You open up and again
Bleed from the heart

A quietness has settled into my being
I have waited long and patiently
For you to come into my life
And now you are here.

Fate brought us down separate paths
And those paths eventually crossed
In a moment the span of years ceased to exist
And a new beginning was started.

It was a time of discovery
The beginning of a relationship
Trial and error
Questions and answers.

A decision to go on
Testing on all levels
Will she or he fit into my life
Can I accept him or her as he or she is?

The testing grounds of dating
The give and take
The concessions
The decisions.

We have passed all “tests”
And have found within each other
A complimentary partner and companion
A beautiful relationship, a new love.

For me it is a beautiful feeling
For your love brings peace to my soul
Happiness to my heart
Contentment and comfort.

I am glad our paths crossed that day
That you took the time to look at me
That we have come as far as we have
And that we will be together as one.

You seemed like a dream
Stepping out of reality
Too good to be true
Where was the catch.

We continued on together
And slowly it dawned on me
That a love had developed
And it felt good and right.

I no longer felt alone
I had found a soul mate
I had found quiet contentment
Peace and love.

Your love has given me
What money could not buy
For me, your love
Has opened a new and wonderful world.

I feel a peace that until now
Never existed
I feel alive, beautiful
And fulfilled.

I feel so proud of you
You stimulate my mind
Bring desires to my body
And enhance my soul.

My love grows ever deeper
And I yearn to be with you
You have become
An important part of my life.

All the past pain and hurt
Have been worth the outcome
For I have found
What many seek and few find.

I have found that one special someone
A soul mate for life
Someone who fills all my needs
Someone whom I deeply love.

I have found you
I have found love
And I wanted you to know
How much I love you!

Merry Christmas 1989
Barbara

The stars came out tonight
They shine like my eyes
When I see you.

The night was crisp
A gentle breeze was blowing
But I was warmed by the thought of you.

I sense your touch
When we are apart
I feel your love
And long to be with you.

My love for you
Is a quiet contentment
Feelings of peace mingled
With happiness.

You quiet my restlessness
Like a cozy fire
You fill the room with warmth
And comfort.

You kindle desire
And I never tire
Of your kiss, your touch
Or of being close to you.

You are, for me,
Special beyond words
For words cannot
Describe the feelings of my heart.

My feelings go beyond words
But words are all that I have
They cannot describe the magnitude
Of my love for you.

So I settle for words
Writing them down
To imbed them forever in your memory.

Words of Caring,
Sharing, Peace, Happiness,
Comfort, Companionship and
Words of Love.

Merry Christmas – With Love,
Barbara

I have touched Paradise
For you are my Paradise

I look up to the sun
Feeling its warmth upon my face
Absorbing the rays from within
And smile

For I have touched Paradise
And you are my Paradise

Loving has taken on a new meaning
You make me feel young and beautiful
And I strive to give you the best that I can
And I feel complete

For you have shown me Paradise
And for me, you are my Paradise

You have brought me sunshine and laughter
A completeness I have never felt before
Peace and contentment
And love

And I have found Paradise
For you are my Paradise

Blood of my Blood
Love of my love
Another generation
To continue on life’s way

To grow and go on
To give love to those around you
A precious beginning
Continuing the cycle of love

How I long to be near you
To be able to watch you grow
To feel your love
To surround you with my love

It’s not meant to be
At this point in time
But always remember
I love you with all my heart

I ache to touch you
To be near you
To feel your growing love
As you develop into your own

For now, I can only hold onto
Our brief moments together
The love we shared at that time
The moments to come in the future

I hold on to these
Waiting until we’re together again
Remembering the past
Awaiting the future

The eagle soared above
Flying free and majestic
High above the clouds
Surveying all that there is

Proud and strong
Filled with strength and endurance
He is to all
A symbol of our country’s might

Stand tall like the eagle
Be proud of your heritage
Believe in what our country stands for
Fight to keep it free

Be proud to be an American!

Sometimes
Just sometimes
You marry young
For the wrong reasons

Sometimes
Just sometimes
The inevitable happens
You find yourself alone

Sometimes
Just sometimes
You discover
Who you are

And life alone
Is better
Than being
Unhappy

Sometimes
Just sometimes
The unexpected
Happens

Sometimes
Just sometimes
You meet someone
They become a part of your life

Your world turns beautiful
Peace surrounds you
You feel
Totally blessed

Sometimes
Just sometimes
The unexpected happens
"And they lived happily there after

Look
Can you see it?
It's all around you

The immense beauty
The world of nature
Surrounding you everywhere

Open your eyes
The love you seek
Is there awaiting you

Breath in the beauty
Let it encompass you
It is there for all of us

Enjoy
Slow down
Take the time to be still

Nature is there
Sending you its love
You only need to look

It is there
To lift your soul
The beauty never ends

It is there
So your soul
Can enjoy the beauty

It is there
To provide
Wonder

Stop!
If only for a moment
Enjoy and breath in the beauty

Slow down
Take a moment
Life is beautiful

Love is
Holding your hand
And feeling love

Love is
Your smile
How it lights up my day

Love is
Time spent together
Without saying a word

Love is
The happiness you bring me
Just being with you

Love is
The peace I feel
Just knowing you are there

Love is
How I admire you
After all these years

Love is
How you bring out
The best in me

Love is
You!